I am so damn lonely. Thank God you’re here, someone to talk to.
Isn’t it funny how we only want to write when we are miserable. What is that about? I have spent the last 2 weeks happy as a pig in shit and not written one single word. Every intention yes, but none carried through.
And then the end of the month arrived and I had to pay bills, and realized that I am out of money; that if I don’t get 2 or 3 more clients, or a decent term project in the next 2 weeks, I am going to be in serious shit. If there is one thing that can put me in a bad mood instantly, is realizing that my finances are in bad shape.
What do I do now? It’s only been 3 months in my own business. I am still sure I can make it work … but what if I don’t get the clients. What then? I have wasted R30 000 is what then. All this effort to do everything, and now I don’t have enough clients. All these “we’ll call you”, “you’ll hear from us” … doesn’t pay the bills. What do I do? Thank God I don’t have a bond or any debt, but I have living expenses and debit orders. I will have to go to my mother – something I resolutely do not want to do, something I swore I would never have to do. What has become of me? Why didn’t I plan this better? Health vs money. I chose health. But now stressing about money is not helping. I think I must go find myself a waitressing job so long. I simply cannot bring myself to go to my mom. I’ll die. She will be so disappointed in me, especially since she has lent so much to my deadbeat brother. Look who’s talking, if I don’t get clients, I will end up the same.
Please God, Angels, anyone whose listening, please send me some clients. Don’t let me fail now. Please. I am so close, I just know it. I just need money to tide me over another 3 months and everything will be fine. Please…… Just tell me what I need to do. Please.
And then the very very last thing I expected or saw coming – watching my best friend pretty much disappear into the sunset since my new financial situation. I have been earning a fantastic salary the past 3 years, and now suddenly – now that I can’t pay all the drinks bills – I find myself quite alone. I think that’s what I am most in shock about. It’s just money, I can make it again – but the fact that this person who has stood by me through quite a bit, is not at all who I thought she was. In fact, just about everyone has disappeared into the woodwork. Not that I had many friends to begin with, but this is ridiculous. And again just testament as to how brutal this town is, as I suppose all major cities are. What am I doing here?
Then when I do get invited somewhere, I decline saying I don’t have the money to go. Do you think one single person has said ‘never mind, I’ll pay for you, just come’. Oh no. I can’t count how many times I have sponsored people over the past 3 years. Guess it was just me - monumentally stupid!!!! I can assure you of one thing – the tide will turn. I WILL make money again, I can promise you now, the situation is going to change. But as God as my witness, I will NEVER offer to pay another bill as long as I live. Never! L I will cover my costs in separate bills from this point forward. Fuck that for a joke! Heartless damn city. L
I wonder if this is how rich people become so miserly and tight, by being treated exactly how I am being treated now. If so, I can understand completely when they make their money why they tell people to fuck off! See how that works people, all you fair-weather friends out there? Let this be a warning and a lesson to you.
I can understand why people spend so much time on the Internet now. While I was throwing myself into my job, working 15 hour days, I lost contact with the world. Now that I am out, I find myself very lonely and the only person I have to blame is myself. My only comfort now is the Internet.
I gave up everything for that job, my friends, my family, my health, my sanity. It has taken nearly 2 months to come down from those insane stress levels, to being able to get up and be productive again. But in the 2 and a half years I was isolated from the world, people moved on. I may have this big network of people, but none of them are real friends. The real ones I can count on less than one hand. And they are always busy now.
If I had known what I was giving up for my career and the money, I would never have done it. I turned into this terrible person who was constantly irritated and ratty and hysterical. I didn’t sleep for 2 years at all, which didn’t help my state of mind. But I loved my job. I threw myself into it. I was single with a string of bad relationships behind me, I figured I couldn’t make it in the romantic world; I’d make it in the professional one.
When I look back now to when I was just a simple administrator, I was really happy. I went everywhere, I had lots of friends, I had a life, I was always laughing. I don’t know when I last laughed, it makes me very sad. I just feel so completely dead inside.
See having a relationship with your job is much less personal. A computer doesn’t break your heart, not call, cheat on you, use you, leave you. But when you leave that job, what are you left with?
It’s no wonder so many single men end up workaholics. (As well as married ones trying to escape their wives and families). I understand how that happens now. You just get so sucked up in it all and the rest of the world ceases to exist, they become a mere irritation and distraction to your job. You have an excuse to never be home, always too tired to think about life.
So you don’t. And then one day you wake up from this haze and wonder what the hell you are doing it all for and walk out. Only to find the world has changed, your world has changed.
Since leaving, I have taken every single opportunity I can to spend time with my friends and family, to find my roots again, rebuild the relationships I sacrificed for a job that never appreciated me. Slowly but surely the bonds were re-established and I found some meaning again.
Deciding what to do with my career is becoming increasingly difficult though. My confidence has taken an enormous knock and I question and second guess everything I do. Having experts in your field give you unending shit for no reason on an ongoing basis takes it toll. I have very little time left before the money runs out and I need options. I do have some, but to muster the courage to send the mails and solicit business is harder than I thought it would be.
Managed to finally register my company and register with Microsoft, that was something. Managed to download most of the software I need, that was something. Managed to email my lawyer to find out if I have a case against the company that screwed me over and cost me half a million, that was something. Managed to get out of bed early every day the whole week and spend the day on the laptop, that was something. Small wins. Small successes. I can’t tell you how difficult it has been to even achieve these, frivolous as they seem.
I got an email from an acquaintance the other day who ‘heard’ I had started my own company as news travelled. I was surprised to even hear anyone was even paying attention. You see, I can do it, I can. I just……. I don’t know. It’s so hard!!! Always having to do things alone with no support is so hard! I don’t have a man in my life cheering me on. My friends and family care of course, but they have their own lives and loves to lead. I don’t have my own personal champion, someone who is watching out for me. I am so tired. I wish I had someone like that. I need someone like that. I always have. People always see me as the strong one, but who watches the Watchmen?
So I drag myself through the days, hoping to find the internal inspiration to make my company a success. I have 2 jobs lined up, but they are very small. It’s only a week’s worth of work. Better than nothing. Maybe that will be the trigger to light a fire under my ass and motivate me again. So many people willing me to succeed, the only person that can make that happen is me.
So I decided to dig up all the letters and diaries I have ever written and put them all together for my book. However reading those letters has had a strange effect on me. The people I think of with fondness now, who I loved at one time – did the most terrible things to me. Why is it that we forget all the bad stuff and only remember the good stuff about our past loves? A bit of time passes and we think of them as the best loves of our lives when in fact, they were the worst thing for us. What is this all about?
And while I can be alone quite fine; having someone you have feelings for wrap his arms around you as you fall asleep together, then kiss you in the neck when you wake up and stare lovingly into your eyes changes you on so many levels. All those feelings you locked away to protect your fragile heart come flooding back, it makes your heart ache, your eyes close, your hands clench.
Having to walk away from someone you have feelings for, someone you know it can’t work with, has to be one of the hardest things you have to do. When you are hugging each other, pulling each other as close as you can, knowing this is the last time you will see each other like this; not saying a word; just being together … it can kill you. New Him. My zany, weird, New Him.
It was the closest I have felt to another human being in a very long time. We became one, corny as it sounds, we did. I can close my right now and go right back to that moment, feeling his arms around me, warm and encompassing, feel him breathing against me.
How few of those moments do we have in our lives when time stands still; that was one of those moments.
Hugging so tight, afraid to let go but knowing we must, saying goodbye in complete silence. Kissing gently then just hugging. Alone in the world, him and I. Looking into each other’s eyes, so much being said in those stares. So many emotions taking over, we moved to the bed to make love quickly, with urgency, with finality; then spent an hour just looking into each other’s eyes, kissing, stroking, bodies wrapped tightly around each other. Heart’s breaking. Dreading the time he had to leave. Watching him drive away. Then left alone with my thoughts.
It was my decision to walk away. There is no happy ending having an affair with a married man who is also 13 years younger than you and bisexual. And I was resolute in my decision. Our final day together, I said my goodbyes to him in those unending, intense hugs.
But now, 3 days later, having to write this down, the tears just fall involuntarily and my heart breaks and I miss him completely. We made a pact, no contact, so we could both get over it and move on and stay friends. It is so important to get that back. I miss talking to him, just popping in to ask him something or share some random thing with him. I can’t yet. If he replies anything in the line of missing me I am going to fold and beg to see him again. We can’t, we just can’t.
It’s only been a month since we’ve been fooling around, and it was really all just supposed to be a bit of fun. I still have no idea how it happened because he was so far off my radar it’s just not true. He was part of the Hands Off group, Married with Kids! I never once looked at him twice in nearly a year. We were just friends who saw each other rather infrequently really.
One night it just happened, and didn’t stop. I was supposed to be leaving the country by now when it suddenly fell through. One day something snapped and we both started getting more involved than we thought, we realized it on the same weekend. I mailed him the Monday and called it. He professed to have the same feelings for me, It just got exponentially worse for us after that. The whole week was nightmare.
We had to call it quits, there is no happy ending. But it is so incredibly hard. He is so sensual, an amazing lover, so in tune with me and my body. I haven’t had really good sex in years – how was I supposed to resist this man?? He is a GOD in bed. AND sweet and nice and thoughtful and funny and clever out of it. No wonder I was toast.
We never refer to it as sex either, it’s always the ‘physical part’. I really love that about how we talk. It’s never vulgar or crass. It’s always with respect and genuine emotion and care, it is just so nice, so refreshing. He brings out the romantic in me, I just sit around and dream of romantic ways we can spend the day or night. It’s funny how different people you have feelings for bring out different aspects in your personality. He brings out the gentle in me, the calm in me, the comfortable in me, the nurturer in me.
It has been so long since I was in bed with someone who has real feelings for me with no hidden agenda. I had forgotten how special it is when you are intimate with someone you care about deeply. It’s just a whole different level.
We considered every single way to make this work; there is none, so we mutually agreed to end it. But I wonder what he is thinking every single day, does he miss me, think about me, even a little? Or is he doing the usual guy thing – walk away without another thought and moved on.
Now he has woken something up in me, and I’m still single so now it’s even worse. It was so much easier when I didn’t have someone in my life for so long. I forgot all about the good parts and built a new life. But now every single thing is just a blatant reminder of what a loser I am and how incredibly lonely I am. Just hanging out with him, holding hands, talking shit – those are things you can’t do when you’re single. And I miss that about having a man in my life. He said to me once, maybe his purpose was to wake that up in me. Was it?
No happy ending. No happy ending. No happy ending. Stay away from him!!!! And I will, but I miss my New Him.
Star crossed lovers. I console myself with the fact that we have travelled many lifetimes together or we would not be doing this now, so we will meet again in another life.
My first 27 year old was short lived. The sex was awful!!! It was all about him. Yawn. I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep with him again after a couple of weeks. But he is really the coolest, nicest guy the rest of the time. He has supported me and mentored me whenever I needed it. We are still friends, he has a girlfriend now. He’ll make her real happy, no question about it, but he wasn’t for me. I can’t bond with someone I don’t have a good physical relationship with. We need to be sexually compatible. I still think he’s hot, but I am enjoying our relationship far better now that the sex has been over for months.
My much younger friends, 24 and under, looked at me with a kind of horror when they found out about him. My older friends thought I was a legend. Isn’t it funny how different people’s perceptions are about the same situation. The 20 year olds thought he was mad sleeping with an “old woman”, (even though they love me); my 40 year olds cheered me on and wanted to know where they could get one.
Then my beloved 29 year old – 2 years of being in love with him, finally ending up in bed together, and he promptly turned around the next day and said not to have any expectations because it was just a one night stand. Least he had the decency to say so, but he broke my heart into a million pieces. Two YEARS. But he was one of the best friends I had, so if that was his terms I had no choice but to accept. His friendship is extremely important to me. Thank God for my New Him, he managed to break the spell of Mr One Night Stand. So if nothing else comes from New Him, then this will be enough. Mr One Night Stand had an unhealthy hold over me.
The first toyboy I had when I was 30 called me up recently too. He’s also 27 now. It’s been 4 years since I heard from or saw him. But he promptly tried to play me along with his ex girlfriend with whom I am still friends and he switched between for a while when I was seeing him, so decided not to pursue that again. He still lives with his mother too, yuck. Guys, here’s a tip, if you want to date an older woman, you better have your act together and not be living with your parents.
So that’s been my 40th year so far – surrounded by younger men. I don’t know why all these 20+ year olds have such a thing for me. I’ve been told it’s because I still look 30.
It’s enough now. I want a real man in my life. One that can be mine, that wants to be mine, that I want.
I need to get my life back on track.
It always amazes me when people are so resolutely unforgiving – someone comes to you hat in hand for forgiveness and you tell them to go to hell. And that’s after they’ve taken a whole week to think about it. Man. Great way to start your week, first thing on a Monday morning to have someone you were very close to once tells you to fuck off.
While I understand some there are some things that are impossible to forgive, you don’t need to take that person back into your life again, but how much does it take to just say ‘apology accepted’ and walk away?
Do people even realize how hard it is to pluck up the courage to say sorry, how few people ever do? So when you are lucky enough to have one of those people around you, the least you can do is be gallant enough to accept it! Especially when it was just an argument and both parties were in the wrong. And when you refuse to forgive it says more about you than the person that erred.
What is wrong with people, how do you carry that much hate around with you for so long? Do you have any idea what that is doing to your body, your soul? It astounds me….. I feel sorry for people who can’t forgive. They must lead the most angry, bitter, miserable lives.
I have been on both ends of this argument, neither is a nice place to be. It’s called being human. It means having compassion. And that is too much for some people to handle it seems.
Damn! How can you feel so much for someone you know is wrong for you? Isn’t it insane how strong a hold physical attraction can have on you? My head keeps telling me it’s only physical. My heart keeps telling me he is sweeter than I realize and it’s more than that. How??? How is he when he’s married with a child and bisexual. Have I lost my fucking mind??????? Clearly. Mid life crises are fun huh. Damn. Why can’t I stop thinking about New Him? GET OVER IT!!
For the first time I can write with a light heart, cheerful disposition and bounce in the step.
What changed?
Getting closure on a lot of things. Making a decision about a lot of things and sticking to it. Not taking shit from companies anymore. Figuring out who your real friends are and appreciating them. Reconnecting with old friendships and enjoying them. Spending time with your family and loving every minute. Realizing that there are lots if people that want you to succeed and are willing to help you. Confessions of love. Realizing you are an inspiration to people on more levels than you realized. Being ready to take in the responsibility that comes with that, and looking forward to the challenge. Realizing that when you write from the heart, and not people expect you to say, you get more support. Knowing you have options and you are never alone. It’s a good day. May this spring herald a new era for me.
Of course, not having electricity for ten hours today did nothing for my sense of humour. There is no surprise that small business’s battle so much when they have to deal with this shit. Numerous calls to Eskom all yield the same answer, ‘we’re working on it, 2 hours’. But it’s been 2 hours for the last 5. And then delightful Vodacom’s 3G access that cuts out every few minutes, also a delight and conducive to s productive day.
On the plus side, I am forced to sit outside and watch the sunset and the bats flying around. I wish I could fly, it’s the only super power I’ve ever wanted. But every so often I get to dream I can fly, always my favourite dreams.
Just sit. Do nothing. Just sit. Do you know how hard it is to do that when you stop doing it every day? And I really mean do nothing, no talking, no music, no tv, no phones, no Twitter, no writing, no reading, no Facebook, no work. Just sit and be alone with your thoughts. It makes you uncomfortable when you aren’t used to it. Your head gets filled with unimaginable thoughts, things you purposely block out during the day with life’s little distractions. It’s all too easy to quiet those voices then. But if you are forced to just sit …. How can you hear if you are not still?
Things for the single girl to do when you live alone and there is no electricity at night:
1. Be mad!
2. Sulk and pout.
3. Stand on your balcony and feel sorry for all the people coming home after a kak day at the office to this shit.
4. Check out the moon and the evening star.
5. Try not to get mad all over again when you see it’s only 3 complexes and the whole rest of the neighbourhood is in lights!
6. Shiver cos it’s getting cold outside.
7. Use phone to find headlamp somewhere in cupboard.
8. Decide to read.
9. Immediately get bored with that idea and climb into bed. Noting it is only 6:35pm, but it’s pitch dark!
10. Lie there and fume at Eskom – plot your revenge against them.
11. Remember to leave a light switched on so that when the power does come back on, you’ll know.
12. Wonder why New Him hasn’t contacted you and get irritated with him because you know he’s playing you and it has no future anyway.
13. Hope that your phone battery holds out till there’s power.
14. Phone the council AGAIN and kak on their heads.
15. Play on your phone till the batter goes red.
16. Go to sleep out of sheer boredom and offers of rescue. Time : 7:15pm.
I’m so cold. I’m always so cold these days. Morning, noon and night. What is that?
You know, I sit here and hang my head in my hands. Hair all over my fingers, face, shoulders, and breasts, looking out between the tresses at the screen – and I am stunned.
What in God’s name happened to my life? I have watched countless movies where they say “I woke up one day and I was old, what happened to my life”.
Yet here I am. Before I can blink – ….. old, me? No way. Uh uh. No. What then?
Go to any bar – they take one look at you and go “old!”. Take a look in the mirror and what do you see? A 20 year old; naive, vulnerable, full of the joys of spring. God. Is it over already? Sigh. Really? When every true instinct and fibre of my being screams “ARE YOU CRAZY, YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU??”
But I doubt myself all the time. I am 40 now and seem to be losing it fast. Thankfully I had 2 people mention I may be in a midlife crisis and that it usually lasts around 6 months, another 1 and a half to go. Least I know what’s wrong with me.
What a crazy state of mind. I question everything. What have I done with my life? What do I have to show for it? Where am I going? Who am I? What do I want? What makes me happy?
I don’t know.
Is there really no man on this planet who desires me and only me? Really? None? What is wrong with me…….? Why am I constantly picking the wrong men? I have tried everything to clear this syndrome, therapy, metaphysical stuff, books, self analysis – yet time after time I pick the wrong men. I am absolutely mystified as to why, or how to change that. How do some couples just “fit” and stay together for years. How do you do that? How do you meet that person? What do you have to do? Somebody please tell me and I will do it.
I sit here, late, one hand buried deep in my hair – the other freezing its ass off on the mouse in desperate need of a glove. Trying to concentrate on PC – but not really cos I have Pink Floyd playing in the background and have a big glass of red wine with chocolate flavours in the other. I’m just staring into space. Lost.
Sms’d an old friend of mine. A friend who started off great, who turns out I couldn’t work with – but only after I got very attached to him – who I lost in a horrible way because of a huge fight. We haven’t spoken in months. He guessed it was me, said he would write to me to tell me how he feels. I miss his friendship.
What do you want from me?
Every time I write something society “says” I should right, I get no reaction. Yet every time I right from my heart, somebody hears me.
God I miss my New Him, my new 27 year old. I fought it as long as I could. DAMN! He awoke feelings in me I have forgotten and denied for so long. But I’m a woman, I can’t sleep with someone one an ongoing basis and not fall for them – I am chemically bound to that man now. DAMN! Leave me alone, please. We are not meant to be together, we both know that, you are married, you are not going to leave her or your child. Stop torturing me, stop contacting me, stop telling me you have feelings for me too, that you can’t stop thinking about me. We are risking so much. Please. You’re killing me. Please. … We must walk away.
And yes, its official, all the good guys are either married or gay or both.
The healing power of red wine – the elixir of the single women, the most misunderstood creature on earth.
From morning till night, I stayed out of sight …
Isn’t it amazing how we reject the people who immediately see us for what we are? How we hate the people that have the passions we do. How we hate them for seeing through our facade, our bullshit. And when you profess your feelings to the people you love the most, suddenly they don’t know you anymore. The knife plunges another inch into your already broken heart.
How many times do I run into people who without provocation or prompting say the most profound, beautiful and heart breaking things? Who think they have nothing to share with the world … Yet they change mine with every sentence. So many random messages, if you will just hear them.
Watched a guy drink a whole bottle of wine out the bottle today. I was horrified. 4 hours later – I’m at home in my couch, all the lights off, listening to Pink Floyd – and drinking red wine out the bottle! AND spilling it all over my couch. God, and I give the 20 something year olds shit, charming.
This is temporary insanity …. A momentary lapse of reason. ….. I am a survivor. I will succeed. It’s just, you know, I don’t know, you know …. Stuff. You know. You do. I know you do.
Losing my grip on sanity. Thank God for Pink Floyd. Tears, so many tears, for so many reasons … utter despair. Nowhere to turn … uh, is this what my brother feels like; even though he has options, like, me?
On the day the walls came down …. No warmth not even pride. Pink, Pink, Pink.
I laughed at one of my school friends in high school when she was obsessed with Pink Floyd. It took me another 15 years before I appreciated it, till I too really heard his music. And now, it is the only thing that keeps my sane in my dark hours.
Mom. Mothers. Who I have steadfastly unappreciated my whole life till now, and yet is the only person who has had truly believed in me, stuck by me, loved me, no matter what. How is it that it takes 40 YEARS to come to that realization??? What is that? That you have to waste half your life or more before you appreciate the woman who gave birth to you. Who nurtured you. Loved you. Protected you the best way she knew how. And yet we spend our lives blaming our mothers for the fuck ups in our lives. When does it stop being their responsibility, and become your choices? Why must our mothers and father be hostage to our decisions for the rest of our lives? How unfair is that????? We are grown ups, solely responsible for our own happiness! Get over it!!
How many more nights do we have to drown ourselves in alcohol to forget where we are, who we are? How many nights do we have to lie on the carpet in front of all our electronic JUNK and pretend we are indestructible? How many nights do we have to spend in front of computer screens in a fake world, ignoring the real one around us, unable to interact with it anymore. Yet that which we seek, is right in front of us, in real life – our friends and family, for better or worse. They have always been there, but we reject them in anger and self pity. Look around you, it is not the world that turned its back on you, but you who turned your back on the world.
Well, I got fucked over by Docqnet three days before I was supposed to leave. Most incompetent, bumbling fools I have ever met. Just waiting for my lawyer to get back from leave so I can sue for loss of income. Stripped my moer but solidly!!! And then 5 minutes later got a call for a job in my beloved Nam. Interview is today so let’s see where my journey will go next. My darling best friend had it right, screw those dune koons! I will not be treated that way.
Week 6 of freelancing. What a strange journey. The first 5 weeks was kinda hell, in a funny way. No ambition, slept all the time, deeply depressed, anti everything, stressing about money, so lost. What turned it around? Having drinks and dinner with my inner circle boys from my previous job. The very closest put me back on track – again. That boy is a Godsend, and he doesn’t even realize it. Yes, the same one from “On Men”. (I know I know).
Sitting here waiting for District 9 to start.
What a strange surreal world it is when you’re not working. Going shopping during the day is a different experience, it’s like the shop assistants know you have time on your hands and before you know it, they are telling you their life story or some random anecdote about it, with no detail skipped. And somehow, without meaning to, you end up telling them why you’re wondering around aimlessly during the day. Do we get a different look on our faces I wonder, how do they know? I had a women in Dischem keep me up for at least a half an hour. I heard all about her best friend who is gay and had 9 sisters, 9? God in Heaven, AND 3 brothers…. She went on and on about him, I was battling to listen, then I decided that was so rude. She was taking the time to talk to me the least I could do was listen. She was so passionate about her story while simultaneously washed my hands with some new mineral product that she pitched in between the story. Then right at the end when I finally managed to escape she said to me, everybody gets depressed and I mustn’t worry, everything will be fine. That stopped me in my tracks – was it that obvious? I thought I was feeling better, apparently not. I bought one of her products and left.
The man at the video store was on a whole other plain. He waffled on and on about Daniel Craig and how some other dude from Trainspotter will be the perfect James bond. He gave a 15 minute monologue and it was near impossible to leave gracefully. The second he took a moment to breathe I got the he’ll out if there. Again, very passionate about the subject, but totally crazy. I think that’s what happens when you work in mindless jobs, something flips in your brain and you end up like Wall-E, desperate for conversation and stimulation. As much as we hate corporate life, maybe in a strange way it is keeping us quite sane.
So I gave Docqnet an ultimatum today, no contracts by Wednesday then they can fuck off. I’m tired of being messed around by companies.
And as for Vodacom, I went to the shop that sold me my iPhone and gave them hell. The dude that sold it to me had the cheek to say I didn’t ask for the 3GS, so he didn’t sell me one. Yes, I’m going to sign a 2 year contract on a phone when the new one came out that day. Asshole. The manager agreed to order me a new one and take back the old one. I have to still pay in though, that’s fine. You need to be careful of these damn salesmen, if you don’t know your story, they will screw you over without another thought. It makes me sick. Why couldn’t he just tell me I had it wrong and the phone I wanted was still coming? After I asked him repeatedly if it was the 3GS. He maintains I never asked for that, just the new software. How in fucks name am I supposed to know there was a difference? Unethical bastards. They put me in such a temper.
It mystifies me every day. Why is it that all the married men fall in love with me and all the single guys see me as a one night stand only, a toy. What is that ??? I am the catch of the century but no-one gets it. Am I doomed to wonder the planet alone?
Every time I see him it hurts. How can two people be so close yet so far? I try so hard to play it cool and pretend it doesn’t matter, oh but it does, it matters very much. Two years of loving somebody, of being inseperable, of spending hours and hours together just talking and talking, who simply refuses to acknowledge my existence even after he slept with me, and just keeps using me and breaking me. I can’t waste any more feelings on someone that callous, this cruel. Someone who professes to be your friend shouldn’t treat you like this. It is so hard but I will forget him and move on.
Been down this road how many times now? Frogs frogs everywhere, where is my prince? When is it my turn? Or am I really doomed this time round? Please send me a sign so I can either stop looking, accept it and move on; or just be patient and have faith. Please angels. I need a sign, soon. It is so hard to live like this.
I’m bored. First time in a month. God, has it been a month already? How time flies. Full of the joys of spring till today …. Miserable, tired, boooorred! 2 weeks to my first contract, so much to do, and now lost interest. All my intentions of studying, writing, networking … where are they now?
Staying at home is not as glamorous as it sounds. You lose touch with society, reality. It takes huge discipline to stick to a routine, maintain focus, get out of your pajamas. The excitement has suddenly left and now I’m kinda drifting. Made plans for tomorrow so maybe it will help. I can’t give up now! … I have dreams dammit! e-Myth Revisited had given me so much to think about. How do I franchise services, me? Working for a boss is not all bad, sometimes you don’t want to have to think, plan, strategize, care. Sometimes you just need the drudgery of everyday working life, a routine, tasks to fulfill. It takes s special kind of person to never need that again and maintain the energy level. I’m not sure I’m up to it now.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to find a job, let someone nurture me, look after me, give me boundaries in which to operate. I miss the everyday interaction with people. I miss my old team (not the job, the people). And slowly but surely the contact is fading away, they don’t phone, SMS, email so much anymore, they’re starting to forget about me. Life goes on, with or without you. Usually without you. I chose to walk away so I can’t bemoan my lot in life. But I miss them so. I know I will meet a new team, be part of something special again … But it seems impossible today.
Here I am, sitting in the Mall killing time till the movie starts. How the mighty have fallen. Normally movies make me feel better, its my main escape, not today. It just dawned on me that I should document my journey; (It’s going to be a short trip if I don’t get my act together), it just all seems so overwhelming today. I have so much to learn, there’s so much I don’t know and I don’t know where to start. I am craving a mentor, someone to guide me, I’ve needed one for 3 years and it astounds me that one had not been forthcoming yet. I had one for a little while, but he walked away from it all. I need a technology specific expert! How do I get to that person? What do I need to do?
Yes i know I am supposed to be my own hero, but I’m not ready, I need another year of apprenticeship. So much to learn …. I’ve set so much expectation for myself, how do I live up to that? How do I make the difference I was so determined to make. What if everyone figures out I’m a fake?? That I am absolutely terrified and have no idea what I am doing? My team leads are so clever, all my associates experts in their field – am I mad?? I can’t compete on their level, I don’t know anything!!! Sigh……. What am I doing? So much to learn.
And what do I do instead?? Play on Facebook – and no-one is playing back. Life goes on without me.
My leg had gone to sleep sitting on the marble slab waiting for the damn movie, and my arm is getting pins and needles from the pillar I’m leaning on. What a thrilling life I am leading right now. I think i may have PTTD – Post Traumatic Teched Disorder. From all that energy and activity to nothing and no-one to tell cos I left my job! My personal friends aren’t in IT, they smile kindly when I try tell them, but mostly they get bored and glaze over. That’s right, walk out your job and think you can change the world!! Sigh. A bit of a bleak day in my world. If anything this account is going to show how unstable I am. Maybe not too smart, may need to rethink my strategy.
(God somebody smells good, what an aftershave, mm. Ok I’m irritated, I just love it when people insist on sitting right on top of you in an empty theatre then talk all the time. Peasants!)
